Breezing your way through a first date

Sometimes I win and, yeah, I’ll share that with you also… If you have something shitty to say about me or this site, I’ll post it. I’ll probably tell you to go fuck yourself, but it’ll be there for all (including my mama) to see. So that’s that. If you can deal with this, then we can be friends and you can read the fuck out of me and enjoy it a little bit more. Phew! I really think I needed to do that… Signup for Our Newsletter Get Us in Your Inbox! Online Dating, Sex, and Relationship Advice Tips in Your Inbox… Follow @theurbandater Like this:Like Loading… Share This Article Facebook0Tweet0Pin1 Posted in: Asides, Self Welcome to the Urban Dater’s first official book club issue. Or something like that.

Today, we’re very happy to be reviewing a new ebook by one of the most well known dating/relationship bloggers out there, Nando Rodriguez.bongacams cams Dating Stuff: The Things About Dating You Ought To Know is hilariously and thoughtfully narrated by Nando, the “Social Media King” (proudly self proclaimed) behind Nandoism.com. The book starts off with a bang ( in the porno sense, kids) with Nando’s account of a particularly emotional breakup and how it sent him into a tail spin for some years later, which sets the tone for the rest of the book. One thing I really appreciate about this book isn’t really the stories or anecdotes as much as the book demand for serious introspection from the reader to really look at themselves in the mirror and evaluate what they see before them. Nando does this by making the user answer some pretty tough questions. The kind of questions that really makes you think; what are you biggest problems? Are you dateable? Why? What resonates with me is that this book is honest; real honest. When you take a moment to take in what Nando is writing about, it’s a lot more than just making you an awesome and effective dater. It’s about Nando and HIS process and how HE dug himself out of an emotional pit, brought on by a lover’s deceit. He shares his personal insights in the form of “homework” for the reader. I dig that.

Something I feel that Nando could have done more with is to better highlight the social media tools available to daters to plan their dates, scheduling dates (balance more than one person they’re dating) or tools that might help someone be a more social media savvy dater. I say this because of the platforms that Nando excels I’m sure he has some amazing ideas for those getting into the dating game. The dude is a Media Slut! He knows what’s up!! However, it’s only fair to say that the focus is on the reader, the person “getting back in the game,” not the tools of the trade necessarily. Readers will definitely value his Ten tips for creating an effective online dating profile as well as things to be aware of for that first date! Nando’s book definitely has wide-ranging appeal. I think his book will appeal most to those who are just getting back into dating, or the luckless denizens of online dating, as well as the seasoned successful pro, each will find nuggets of information that apply to them that they can apply to their dating/love life. If you’re in a relationship, this book probably isn’t for you… But you should buy a copy for your lonely friend that you’re always trying to hook up with a friend. They’ll buy you a beer, or at least vacate your couch so you can “get it on” in peace! This is an eBook, so you can download it in a snap! You can get your and read more detail about Nando’s eBook on his site, clicking this link. Or directly, by clicking here. Signup for Our Newsletter Get Us in Your Inbox! Online Dating, Sex, and Relationship Advice Tips in Your Inbox… Follow @theurbandater Like this:Like Loading…

Share This Article Facebook1Tweet0Pin0 Posted in: Dating & Relationships, For Men, For Women, Self Tagged in: Dating, ebook, nando Male privilege is a term for social, economic, and political advantages or rights that are made available to men solely on the basis of their sex. A man’s access to these benefits may also depend on other characteristics such as race, sexual orientation and social class. — Wikipedia Today we’re talking about that thing above. Male privilege where it concerns dating and relationships. It’s not something that I have really thought about, in fact, the term is relatively new to me. the Urban Dater’s own Managing Editor, Betty Mars, shared some writing with me that got me thinking. But the subject is very timely in my current relationships and applies to a pair of past relationships that I can recall.https://topadultreview.com/

How to Keep Your Relationship from Going Stale

In my current relationship, I’m having a hard time coping with, what I feel, is a place of limbo. I’m not going to get into the whole story here, but the short of it is that I I’m looking for a commitment from my lover and she’s not ready to give that to me. I’m the one chasing, I’m the one trying to get the commitment—and that’s quite a bit different than what I’m used to. I’ve been used to the woman trying get the commitment from me. My partner is working on writing her dissertation and working toward her P.h.D. She does not want children. Therefore, her sense of urgency has nothing to do with our relationship or her biological clock, if you will. She’s prioritizing her goals ahead of my wants and desires. There’s nothing wrong with that, but it makes me feel anxious because I’m not “numero uno” in her life. I know that what she is doing is necessary and I know that she ‘s got to get it done. I support that.

I get it. It’s not easy being with someone when you are not their top priority, but if I think about why it makes coping easier. She’s trying to accomplish a goal. She will feel better about herself and it will positively impact her future. How could I not support that? In the meantime, I may grumble about it, but I’m going to be supportive. This is what has got me thinking more about male privilege in dating and relationships. I’m not an expert, but I play one on the internet… I’m not an expert on what women have had to deal with; what they continue to deal with daily. From the government telling them what they can and can’t do with their bodies, how women are always objectified in media, and also how women have to go about their day often being concerned with their personal safety. These are the “easy ones” to point out. There’s a lot more here to mention and ones I don’t know about. These are struggles, frankly, I don’t have to think about as a male, as I’ve always gone about my experiences as being “par for the course.” I am not the default. However, thinking we are the “default” is a choice. I’m making a conscious choice to not go about my life thinking that “this is just the way things are.” I’m questioning what has “always been” and asking why. We still have a long way to go before we can pat ourselves on the back regarding women’s rights and equality. What I’m really getting at here is the notion of male privilege where it concerns relationships between men and women.

This privilege takes on many forms and, yes, male-brethren, it does exist and we need to raise our awareness because women are our equals and partners, and not inferiors or subordinates. We need to make a choice to really think about how we think about women and their role in relationships. Examples of Male Privilege Have you heard about the “nice guy” who never “gets” the girl? It’s probably the most innocent sounding bit of male privilege in dating. There’s a notion that women should date the nice guy because simply because he’s “nice.” I’ve heard tales of nice guys getting angry when they get rejected by the good girls. This is a topic I touched on recently. It doesn’t matter if you’re the sweetest guy on the block or the biggest asshole since Goetse, no one owes you, or anyone, anything. Period. via BYEFELIPE on Instagram Another example is the myth of the “friend-zone.” Again, there’s a notion that if men are nice to women that they have an obligation to us. Of course, this is utter bullshit. No one owes us a thing. The furor that rejection causes in men is appalling and downright inexcusable. Don’t believe me? Look up #byefelipe on Instagram for reference. It boggles my mind at what women deal with not only in the world of online dating, but simply just going through life on a day to day basis.

I don’t have to deal with women calling me names, shaming me, or getting irate when I don’t respond to their messages in an online dating app. So many men think it’s funny to joke about raping and acting violently against women as if that woman isn’t a human being. This is scary shit and, aside from being unacceptable behavior, is sociopathic. In recent television, Aziz Ansari tackles male privilege in an episode of ‘Master of None,’  Ladies and Gentlemen, where there is a compare/contrast scene between a woman going home from a bar and fearing for her safety because she was being followed by a man (a “nice” guy) she earlier rejected. She stayed on well-lit streets, avoided shortcuts all in an attempt to get to her place safely but quickly. Aziz and his lumbering pal stumble home, taking shortcuts through a park and going about care-free. What do two men have to fear going home compared to women? It was a simple, yet effective scene and one that caused a few light bulbs to go off. For women, dating or, simply, going out on the town is a risky venture. *** Where else have I observed male privilege? I need only look to my past relationships for reference material. Specifically two women who wanted to have children. They were the ones pushing to have “the talk” and to move things forward.

I just kinda went on and did what I wanted, with little regard. Why? It wasn’t because I didn’t care, there was no sense of urgency on my part. I didn’t really want kids. If I did, it wouldn’t be a problem because I can still produce babies.

Settle Me This or Settle Me That…

My sperm may get older, but it can still produce. What about my exes? They had a sense of urgency—they have a finite time where they can have children. This is magnified when a woman hits her mid-thirties. Not having to worry about that is another form of male privilege. Another example, for instance, men are more likely to commit a murder (at a 90% clip).

This is something women carry a heightened awareness of, especially considering that there is an increased likelihood of a woman to be a victim of domestic violence or homicide. I’ve had a couple female friends confide that they were worried about their partner’s temper. One of them actually had her partner pull a gun on her and then fire it into the air. She was scared for her life. Scary shit!   Who wears the pants anyway? Who “wears the pants” in your relationship? What does that even mean? It’s the idea that one person in a relationship is in charge, they set the tone; it is they who sets the agenda and makes the sun rise and set. That’s always been my understanding. Men, of course, are the ones who wear the pants and should be the ones in charge. Right?

Well, women have been wearing pants for quite some time, so the term and the idea shouldn’t be exclusive to men. I’m not a renaissance man or anything like that. But I want a strong partner, someone who can make decisions and be empowered to get shit done when I’m not around, or even kick my ass if it’s needed. If your wife or your girlfriend is always putting things into the calendar ask yourself “why?” If your SO is doing the laundry or picking up the groceries ask yourself “why?” Is it truly because “they’re just good at it” or is there some other reason for these behavioral defaults? How do we call out  male privilege in dating and relationships? I’ll just say it right now: I’m not qualified to answer this question. Also, I’m not even sure if this is the right question to ask! I don’t even know if I’m doing more harm than good by adding my voice to the conversation. I believe that being more critical, in thought, of how we, as men, go about our relationships with one another is a good start. Ideally, we should be confronting these issues of inequality aloud and advocating for the marginalized. Asking “why” we do (or don’t do) things in relationships. Is it because that  thing is something the woman is supposed to do? Is it just because of how we were raised? Realizing that there are parts of our lives that we don’t think about because that’s just the way it’s always been is a key step.

It’s about making a choice to really think about how we think about our relationships. I’ve always grown up believing women were the homemakers, child rearers, peacekeepers, appointment setters… I know this way of thinking is antiquated. I love a strong woman. I guess I should define what that means to me. a strong woman speaks her mind, pursues her interests and goals, she is bold and brave; she doesn’t need a man to validate her; she doesn’t need validation from marriage or from having children. Her validation is her own. She defines it. Perhaps the other part of calling out male privilege is simply understanding that women don’t really need us. My partner is brilliant. Sure, I’m partial, but she really is, as she effortlessly tosses out words I don’t know the meaning of. She’s funny, engaging, well-read, and has attended some of the best schools. I brag about her. A lot! She doesn’t need me.

I’m a college never-was. I learn shit the hard way, I say “fuck” and “shit” way too much, and have the maturity level of twelve-year-old. I think that’s where being secure with yourself comes into play. Relationships aren’t a “pissing contest.” We can just be who we are. There’s something about me that she appreciates, many things, actually. I know that. *** While the world is slowly changing to catch up to the notion that women are equal but it will take time. As men, it is important to understand that women are our partners; beyond that, we need to listen to the conversations and understand them. I’m not going to tell you how to run your own relationships—my previous relationships have been a disaster—instead I suggest this to you: Ask “why” in your relationship. Ask why your role is what it is and why your partner’s role is what it is. Ask your partner what they think and then just sit back and just listen.

You might be surprised at what you learn. Fellas, it’s time we started questioning things that have always been and just listen.   Signup for Our Newsletter Get Us in Your Inbox! Online Dating, Sex, and Relationship Advice Tips in Your Inbox… Follow @theurbandater Like this:Like Loading… Share This Article Facebook12Tweet0Pin1 Posted in: For Men, Relationships, Self Tagged in: Dating, male privilege Make no mistake:  a blind date can be a minefield of potential disaster areas. You just know that you’re going to be judged – in some cases against a checklist of desirable attributes your date has been working on for years – and you don’t want to mess up. Here are a few tips to stop your date becoming one of those never to be repeated “It was nice but you’re just not for me” occasions… Let her choose the venue It’s all about making your date feel comfortable, so it’s wise at least to offer her the choice of blind date venue. You might be met with an “Oh I don’t know, you choose,” but at least she’ll think you’re a gent for offering her the choice. However, this tactic can backfire if she’s a lady of expensive tastes or wants to go somewhere that’s way out of your comfort zone. If this happens and you find yourself gritting your teeth as you’re booking the priciest restaurant in town, or making enquiries about indoor rock climbing, there’s not much you can do. Hey, you might even enjoy rock climbing… Meet somewhere neutral Restaurants, bars and the cinema are all good places to meet, because there are plenty of other people around and they are neutral ground. Don’t suggest she comes to your house, or accept an invitation to hers, on a blind date.

Not ever. Dress the part Do NOT under any circumstances wear a T-shirt with a ‘zany’ slogan, or even worse an offensive one. In fact, it’s usually best to ditch the T-shirt uniform and opt for something a little bit smarter, although a suit and tie is probably over the top for a casual first date. Match your outfit to your date destination, and if it’s dressy, make a bit of an effort. Girls like that. Make sure your take an iron to your clothes as well. If you turn up looking a complete scruff, you’re not going to make a good impression, even if your un-ironed clothes are very expensive. Most girls also like shoes, so she’ll notice if you’ve got dirty, old or plain ugly shoes on. It pays to wear your best footwear rather than your most comfortable, and make sure you give them a good polish if needed. Grooming tips Girls notice things like personal hygiene, and if you want to make a good impression, pay attention to all the things you might not always bother with if you were on a night out with the boys.

Showering and washing your hair pre-date are non-negotiable. Pluck any stray nose or ear hairs, and make sure your nails are clean. If you’re going to finish off with a spritz of scent, don’t overdo it – she’ll wonder what you’re hiding! Turn off your phone …but don’t expect her to. Unless you’re on call or have some pressing and unavoidable reason for needing to have your phone on, make a point of switching it off and giving her your undivided attention. Don’t worry if she leaves hers on, though. Women on blind dates usually have a friend on duty, waiting to hear that all is OK and that you haven’t turned out to be a weirdo or axe-wielding serial killer. It’s a girl thing, and a safety thing too. If she’s constantly texting, though, that’s just rude and you’re within your rights to comment, or never see her again. If the phone goes off halfway through your date and she tells you she has family emergency, that’s girl-code for “I just texted my friend to call me and get me out of here.” Offer to pay Most women are happy to pay their way, but it’s generally accepted blind date etiquette that if you asked her out, you should politely refuse any attempt from your date to pay, and offer to cover the whole meal, or the cinema tickets or whatever you invited her to do. However, you can let her buy the popcorn, a drink afterwards, or pay for a second date if it’s gone well.

If she insisted on going for a meal at a swanky restaurant, and your credit card is groaning at the thought of paying for it, you can accept an offer to split the bill, or graciously pay up, depending on whether you think she’s worth it! Image courtesy of Big Al Signup for Our Newsletter Get Us in Your Inbox! Online Dating, Sex, and Relationship Advice Tips in Your Inbox… Follow @theurbandater Like this:Like Loading… Share This Article Facebook11Tweet0Pin0 Posted in: Dating & Relationships Movies and pop culture have instilled the notion that women are the only ones who are antsy before big dates, but a new survey conducted on behalf of AnastasiaDate by Harris Poll found that it’s actually both sexes that experience nervousness when courting the opposite sex – and with men, the type of car they drive can be a big source of first date butterflies. The results of the survey – which was conducted in anticipation of Gumball 3000, the annual 3,000-mile international motor rally that this year will run from Miami to Ibiza, Spain, with U.S. stops in NYC and Atlanta – made some interesting discoveries about the male psyche. It seems that as much as men love and take pride in their rides, there still exists hesitation caused by the image they believe their car projects to women. It turns out that a quarter ( 25 percent) of the men surveyed question the status of the car they drive when picking up women on a first date. Additionally, 30 percent of men think that women are more interested in the type of car a man drives than the kind of job he has ( looks like women aren’t the only ones who stress over their first impression on dates).

  So now that we know women aren’t the only self-conscious ones when dating, here’s some advice on how guys can help themselves out against the first date jitters: What’s most important for men to keep in mind when dating is confidence, charm and good manners.